Bleeding Hearts

I tend to be one of those “bleeding heart” people. Even if I slap on a smile, I can be wounded easily by the words and actions of others. I’ve tried not to be so sensitive, and I generally don’t allow my over-sensitivity to control my actions, but it’s just a part of me. I remember praying and lamenting before God that I just felt like I was spiritually, figuratively bleeding all over the place. So many wounds were still raw and festering and bleeding – probably because I either tried to ignore them or I kept picking off the scabs. I can talk the talk of forgiveness, and I can appear to walk the walk – but truly, I have been walking around with many wounds and I was bleeding all over the place.

A couple of months ago in prayer, the idea came to me to begin to cancel the debts owed to me from people who had hurt me. It was a command for me to forgive them by cancelling the debts owed to me. I began to pray, specifically to cancel the debts I believed were owed to me by the many painful actions of my parents. I began to feel far more forgiving and compassionate toward them than I had ever felt before. But somewhere along the way, I stopped walking in that forgiveness, and I began to remember yet again. I hadn’t cancelled the debts, apparently, just sent them into forbearance for a while.

This past Saturday evening, a prophet was visiting our church and conducting services through the weekend. I almost didn’t go, but I knew I wanted something from the Lord. I needed Him to show up for me, personally. I needed something – anything – to know that I was okay, that I was on the right track. The prophet’s message was about forgiveness. He told us that when we sin, we create a sin debt, that must be repaid. Christ, of course, provides redemption for our sins. But what about when others sin against us? It’s up to us to extend that forgiveness – to cancel that debt. Confirmation! The exact words that the Lord had given me about forgiveness came out of this prophet’s mouth!

When he wrapped up his message and was ready to pray and prophesy over individuals in the congregation, I was the first one he came to. He asked what I needed God to do in my life. I froze for a minute. Here I am, with an audience with God – what do I ask for? Well, the issue plaguing my mind for many weeks has been what to do with my life as we go to Germany, knowing God has also called me to law school but my plans had hit a major detour. So, that’s what came out of my mouth. He assured me that God was with me, telling me at one point that He was giving me a hug, and saying how I’m trying to understand it with my mind (yes!) and I just can’t see what He’s doing (yes!). But I was assured that God was with me and He would bring me where I needed to go, along the best path. But then the prophet shifted and said that God was displeased over the condition of my heart, and it was as if He were weeping over my heart, that my heart was bleeding all over the place. Again – confirmation! Then he asked, “How is your mother?” I answered truthfully: “I. don’t. know.” Then he said that my heart had been wounded so much by my mother, but that I was receiving healing. I received it! I broke down completely sobbing and gave it all to God. I received my healing.

I stayed well after service to help my pastor and First Lady to clean the church in preparation for Sunday morning service. On the way home, I could still feel the presence of the Lord, and I just knew it wasn’t over for me. My husband and daughter were sleeping when I got in, so it was a great time to get before the Lord again. I just knew we weren’t done. I prayed and cried (a lot!) just seeking Him for help and wisdom and guidance. At some point, I went back to the debt cancelation, and I began to call the names of people I needed to forgive and to declare the debt cancelled. Then, it was as if God sent a parade of faces before me, and every single face I saw, I called the name and declared their debt cancelled. Some faces were from long ago, and honestly, I cannot even remember them all now! I didn’t realize just how many wounds and hurts I had been nursing in my heart all these years!

But if I am to truly live out God’s mission for my life – to take His love to everyone – I must be full of His love. I cannot be filled to the brim and overflowing with His love if there are these gaping holes and wounds in my heart. I thank God for leading me to the place of true forgiveness and for healing my heart. I know something inside of me is different. It doesn’t mean I don’t still feel the sting when someone wounds my heart. But I am quick to “cancel the debt” and ask God to heal the hurting place so that I can be whole.

God loves each and every one of you. Don’t allow unforgiveness to cloud your heart and put a wall between you and His love. Jesus Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection provides the redemption – the payment – for our sin debt. As ambassadors of Christ, let us extend that love and forgiveness to our brothers and sisters when they sin against us by cancelling the debt. Cancelling the debt does not excuse the sin. But it frees you to be able to be a conduit of God’s love and grace.

May your hearts be healed of all hurts, that you may continue to grow and walk in His love and grace.